I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
worst…sale…ever
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Gemma Correll
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’