[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
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My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*Inspirational Tweets*
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?