Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
You Might Also Like
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.