muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
are they though??
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My dog after a walk in the woods.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.