nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool