Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My kitchen overserved me.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it