I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.