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Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
being a writer on Twitter:
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
SCARY COSTUME
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Beware…..
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.