Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him