I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”