Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
You Might Also Like
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.