Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
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I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*