You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…