Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while