Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
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My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
What’s a Messi?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.