I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
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Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby