Worth remembering.
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
taking June’s advice to heart
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.