“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?