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Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My inexpensive home security system…
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess