A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Best spoiler warning ever
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.