I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
i’m still crying at this
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
If you are reading this then you are reading this
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time