Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
You Might Also Like
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.