True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Ha
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.