Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??