Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
A wise man once said nothing.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…