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Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.