My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
men are simple creatures
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.