If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
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Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Mistakes were made
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.