When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…