Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?