I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
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Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Pretty much! 😂👀
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
c’mon!
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.