My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”