I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Bill is short for Billiam
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.