Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.