It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I’m putting together a team
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.