9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me when my alarm goes off
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures