Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Finally!
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.