“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am