They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb