my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
new shirt idea
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
couldn’t resist