ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
called in thicc to work this morning
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.