Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
See..?
.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.