An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
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Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
a fate I wish upon no one
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I already tried new things thanks.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
getting corrected
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]