If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!