My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
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My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.