Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over