Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”