[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
The news is so predictable nowadays
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
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*Correct*
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Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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