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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Very good! 👍😂
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.