there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.